The year was 2019. The pandemic was much more than the world could handle, and my editor had just screamed at me for writing a shitty sequel. I’d had an emotional breakdown, lyng on the floor of my apartment, not quite moving, because I wasn’t sure what to do.
I remained there for a very, very, long time.
And I stopped writing for months.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was in this period of self-doubt, thinking that whatever I wrote was shitty, and the stress of producing something after Dragonhearted was too great to bear.
And maybe, just maybe, I thought I shouldn’t be a writer anymore.
During this time, my friend who had opened up a table top roleplaying studio had texted me and said that she and the dungeon masters who worked there had come up with a homebrew Dungeons and Dragons world, which was all about pirates.
And I knew who I wanted to play as.
Suddenly, all the misery about failing to write a book disappeared because I could shed the painful reality of being me and be someone else.
I’d created a character loosely based on Zheng Yi Sao, the most successful pirate to have ever lived, and I called her Da Sao. I’d essentially copied and pasted her backstory (yes, I know, very creative), classed her as a fighter, and we were off. I didn’t worry about sucking at D&D, about min-maxing, and all of that number-crunchy stuff like that. I just knew that when I was off the clock, I was the Pirate Queen, not a failed writer, and somehow, I felt empowered.
As Da Sao, I still failed — I lost an important alliance with the dwarves because I‘d made a foolish decision, and even in an epic, almost all of my crew died and I had to rebuild. Yet, somehow, I still felt empowered. I was the leader of my crew, the Blue Dragons (named after the blue dragon in my first book because again, I was vert creative), and my friends trusted me to make decisions for the whole crew.
At times, these decisions were terrifying, because I had to bear in mind the well-being and safety of the crew, and also think about where the money was coming from to support such a large fleet. However, I had friends and crew members on my side, who discussed what decisions we could make so that we could ensure the best outcome possible.
As Da Sao, I was able to transcend being a failure and the limits of the pandemic. Even as I felt helpless with being unable to go out and see my friends, I played when regulations eased and as much as I could within these restrictions because being her was my lifeline to sanity.
As her, I could problem-solve my way out of my mistakes and failures, and in some way, she showed me that I could overcome failure.
In some ways, too, playing as the Pirate Queen inspired me. I knew her biography by heart, and my problems, like my work being rejected, seemed small in comparison to hers. She had to face the squabbles of her crew, the Portuguese, and then the Qing royal court later on, when she chose to retire from piracy. In the pages of history, she always seemed sure of herself, always knowing to make the right decision, even when I didn’t. Somehow, in this morally grey area, she still inspired me, and I am learning to trust myself just as she did. Assuming that she did, of course, because the history books say that she was strong and sure of herself.
In the last session as the Pirate Queen, someone in our party challenged the gods themselves to an epic battle, and we won. The Pirate Queen is now a god. With a player leaving, the group I’ve played in has shrunk, and I don’t know what to do.
But I know that I used her as a crutch to empower myself, and in the past year, I haven’t felt the need to. Maybe it’s age, or maybe it’s because I’ve learnt to trust myself more, but whatever it is, I think I can stand on my own, just a little bit more now.
I will still want to play as her when I can, but since her ascension to godhood, I’ve found that I’m more at peace. With such a great character “ending,” it gives me hope that as cheesy as it sounds, I can determine a future where I am happy, too.
Playing Da Sao will always be one of my favourite things, and I’m glad I chose to play as her.
I still fear failure.
I still hate making tough decisions.
But somehow, after being her, being in the “real world” is easier.
And I can move forward.